Beautiful

Beautiful

by MercyMe

Days will come when you don't have the strength
And all you hear is you're not worth anything
Wondering if you ever could be loved
And if they truly saw your heart
They'd see too much

You're beautiful, You're beautiful
You are made for so much more than all of this
You're beautiful, You're beautiful
You are treasured, you are sacred, you are His
You're beautiful

Praying that you have the heart to fight
Cuz you are more than what is hurting you tonight
For all the lies you've held inside so long
But they are nothing in the shadow of the cross

You're beautiful, You're beautiful
You are made for so much more than all of this
You're beautiful, You're beautiful
You are treasured, you are sacred, you are His
You're beautiful

Before you ever took a breath
Long before the world began
Of all the wonders He possessed
There was one more precious
Of all the earth and skies above
You're the one He madly loves
Enough to die!

You're beautiful, You're beautiful
In His eyes

You're beautiful!
You are made for so much more than all of this
You're beautiful!
You are treasured, you are sacred, you are His
You're beautiful!
You are made for so much more than all of this
You're beautiful!
You are treasured
You are sacred
You are His

A great reminder as I watch my girls grow....

So which ones are your real kids?

At a recent birthday party I had a mom ask the always fun question "so which ones are your real kids?"

Silly lady, they are all real. I love them all with my real heart. They have real fears, real hurts, real joys, real fights, real struggles, real hopes and real dreams. Our family may not look like a lot of other families but it is real.

I like this definition of real from brainyquote.com:

Real - Pertaining to things fixed, permanent, or immovable. True, genuine. Actually being or existing.

All three of our kiddos entered this world in different places and in different ways but it was all real and I am so thankful. As a family we are permanent, we are true and genuine. We are real.

Conversations

Here is a sample of some of the conversations that occur around our home in the waking hours of one day:

Sara to Pete as he walks in the door from work: "Dad, you would be so proud of me. I didn't try to crush my head today."

Pete to me: "Do my shins seem short to you?"

Ella to me: "So what you are saying is that I am signed up for Daisy's, guitar lessons, skating and cheer leading? Then do I still have to go to school?" Yeah, that may be a bit too much.

Anders to me while he is sitting going to the bathroom: "mom, come in here. I am hiding something that you can't find." um, no I'm okay on that one

Nurse to me: "Anders' biopsy results came back normal." For that one there are no words, just one big sigh of relief...

They have started...

For the last couple of weeks Sara has been asking some pretty tough questions. They are always after I tuck her in and pray for her. She asks why she wasn't in my tummy and why she was in her birth mommy's tummy instead. We walk through her story, we hug, we smile and I remind her that I love her and she has a birth mommy who also loves her. I thought I would have more time before the questions started. I guess I thought she would be older. I'm not sure why - I think maybe I thought I would prepare some sort of speech or, knowing me, a presentation. But the questions are beyond me so I pray each time that my words will calm her little heart, ease her mind if only just a bit and encourage her to ask anytime no matter how hard it may be. I pray that she will always feel ok coming to me with her questions. I don't see them becoming easier but I do see us building the trust that is needed to walk through it together. I've picked up some of my books from when we started the adoption process and re-read some sections I highlighted. I've asked some friends for advice. Watched some documentaries on adoption and then I do my best to answer with love and honesty. So here we go. No speeches or presentations. Just us - a family - learning and growing together.

Looking back

I've tried many times to write my journey to Sara but often get stuck in the details. It took me awhile to figure out that while the small steps make the journey it's standing at the end and looking back that makes us different. It offers us a chance to relearn, rethink, change for the better or the worse and looking back is what often guides our next steps. When the call came for Sara I was overwhelmed with joy. My heart instantly belonged to this little girl halfway around the world. When I heard her name and then saw her picture there was no doubt that no matter what was ahead she was mine. Forever, always, no matter what my daughter. But I would also soon learn that my journey to Sara would include my heart being broken. I would be angered, humbled, my faith tested, I would be filled with joy and sorrow and ultimately I would be changed forever.

In Idaho there are so many ranches and farms, many with horses and if you have ever watched a rancher break in a horse you will see a process strong yet gentle, loving yet firm and in the end the results include a relationship that forever bonds that horse and rider. In a lot of ways that process was (and continues to be) the process God has taken with me. If done well the horse retains its spirit but the rider now has the ability to use that spirit to guide and direct the horse. The questions from the journey turned to a gift of strength in my faith. It has brought me to a closeness with God that I had never experienced before. It has given me the ability to be forever tied to this amazing woman of faith across the ocean. To know that my prayers are joined with hers' is a blessing beyond all blessings. To know that her joy and pain is forever tied with mine is a gift I am not worthy of...

I strive to match her faith and trust in the Lord. Her ability to seek out the good in a world full of injustice humbles me daily.

The last time I saw her she was walking away and she turned once more and our eyes met. A soft smile graced her beautiful face and as I held back tears I waved goodbye not knowing when and if I would ever see her again. And while there are still unanswered questions and regrets that often run through my thoughts I place my trust in the God who sees everything and is able to make sense in a world that doesn't. I place my trust in a God who picks us up when we fall and walks with us as we all continue on.

Living, He loved me

Dying, He saved me

Buried, He carried my sins far away

Rising, He justified freely forever

One day He's coming

Oh glorious day, Oh glorious day

missing my man

Thanks to Bernd for sending this great pic of Pete - only three more weeks til we see him again...

the best mom

Tonight as I was carrying Sara up to bed she hugged me tight, looked into my eyes and said "you're the best mom ever". Instantly I started to cry. I have to be honest - I don't feel like I have been the best mom to her lately. Sara's personality can be a challenge. She constantly needs to be touched and held and if she doesn't have my attention she gets naughty. I think to her any attention is better than no attention. When you have three little ones giving out constant attention can be tough. I struggle with whether or not it is an adoption thing, an attachment thing, a two year old thing. I over think it than I under think it. I pray about it and then try again. I try new approaches and re-visit old approaches. Some give advice or tell me what I could be doing better or differently. Some just say "yep, totally understand" but at the end of the day it is about Sara and me. Mom and daughter, for better or for worse, always and forever - no matter what.

Every day is new and every day I try to be her "safe place" a place where she feels ok to figure out who she is - clingy and needy, good behavior or not so lovely behavior. A place where together we can figure this journey out.

I looked back at Sara, held her tight and said "Sara, I love you and promise to always do my best. There will be times when I don't seem like the best mom but always remember that I love you and nothing will change that." So here's to tomorrow and another chance to be the best mom.

the little things..

Lessons learned so far in MN:
~don't ask a 2 year old where the park is it will just make the walk in 90% humidity a lot longer
~don't leave a bottle of sunscreen in reach of your two year old. She will cover herself with it and then scream the rest of the walk when it gets in her eyes.
~when Ella complains that she is too hot to play at the park don't just assume that she is complaining about the MN heat because when you get home you will find out that she actually has a temp. of over 102 and is miserable
~that Mary (my sis) and I can still perform amazing duets of show tunes and songs from Disney movies
~that I am not a fan of our justice system but at least I live in a country that has some sort of "system"
~that listening to my dad play his guitar at night is just as comforting as it was when I was growing up especially when he does a duet with Anders
~that I love the book "Just the Way I Am" by Krista Horning who is an amazing young woman. Her simply written book for children with disabilities is a reminder of finding the joy in whatever circumstance you are given. That even through sorrow rejoicing can be found. Reminding me again of looking at life for the journey not the "what next".

Since we have been in MN we have switched houses four times, I have been to a funeral, Mary had more heart stuff, Ella and Anders have both been sick and I miss Pete like crazy but we are also making some wonderful memories. For me it is a reminder that with my faith God is always enough and when push comes to shove we have it really good = ) and pretty easy.

Oh and the best lesson - that while mosquitoes do leave an itchy, red bump they aren't the size of large birds as Anders originally thought.

Message on the Mirror

After a much needed shower this afternoon (spent the day swimming and then went for a run) I stepped out to see that something had been written on the mirror. The moisture from the shower had uncovered a secret. In Ella's handwriting it said "I miss my dad". I am guessing she wrote it after her bath last night. Sometimes I am ok with him being gone this long (it is just part of his job) and then there are times when it is really hard - that was one of those times...

potty training 101

My mom has potty trained both Ella and Anders. She comes to visit for a week and focuses in and gets the job done. Ella was amazingly easy and Anders (once he was ready) was a champ. Now here comes kiddo number 3. Her personality is generally a bit stubborn (or determined as the nice teachers at Challenger use) and she has been a challenge. She will go for a couple of days with no accidents and then wake up one morning and with her cute little accent announce "today I am not going to use the potty, just diapers, then tomorrow I will use the potty and get panties and M&Ms." And she does just that - nothing will change her mind. Now enter my mom. She is always ready for a challenge and seems to be succeeding with Sara. She is ever positive and has started using snack size Milky Way bars. She has upped it from M&Ms to Milky Way bars.

My management and parenting style has always been to step aside when you know there is someone else who can do the job better than you can - that we all have strengths and weaknesses and a good leader is someone who is able to quickly learn those things about others and then step aside and let them go for it. Don't get me wrong I am very involved with the helping on and off of the potty, washing hands, etc but the main kudos has to go to my mom. The match has been set - I'm just thankful to coach this one from the sidelines.

Hard to have your dad gone

We were singing Happy Birthday to Pete over the phone the other day and Anders comes running in. He heard Ella yell "Happy Birthday Daddy". He had been playing with his cars out on the deck and he came in looking around the room. I'm pretty sure he thought Pete had come back, you could tell by the look on his face when he realized she was talking to the phone. I asked him if he wanted to wish dad a Happy Birthday and he dropped his head and said "no thanks" and went back out to play.

The great part about being a kid is that 2 seconds later he managed to hit his sister with a ball soaked in water and all was right again.

Fear Conquered

We are hockey people in a place where hockey is not really top of the list for most people. We enjoy the cold and the checking and the occasional on ice fight. Sara isn't as big of a fan - it has nothing to do with hockey itself she is just very afraid of loud noises and well hockey fans are obnoxious (not as obnoxious as the Boise Bronco football fans but that's for another post). The first hockey game she attended with us she shut down. All I heard was "mom, it is too loud, I'm scared" and she was out. A lady looked over and said "how cute, she fell asleep". No, I'm afraid it wasn't cute. She was so afraid the only way to handle it was to check out completely. Lesson learned on my part. We talked A TON about it afterwards and just recently she said she wanted to go to another hockey game. So we talked about it being loud and that there would be lots of lights flashing and people yelling...she still felt ready.

The first period and a half she held my hands over her ears but at least watched and by the second half of the second period you could hear her little voice yelling "GO STEELHEADS". It was music to her daddy's ears. FYI, they won and it was an awesome game.

Favorite Word

I am a huge fan of words and reading - I love that words can create a picture and an afternoon spent reading is one of my favorite things so I was so excited when Anders came up to me the other day and asked if I wanted to know what his favorite word was. Of course! Drum roll please....

Electrocute. That's his favorite word. There are SO many amazing, beautiful, life changing words out there and my four year old chooses "electrocute". Oh and he had reasons for choosing it but I will spare you the details. I have to say I sure love that kid.

a simple note

Do you ever have one of those days when you have just had enough? When you feel like you are being pulled in too many directions? When you have lost confidence in your ability to do anything well? That was this morning - my two youngest spent more time in time outs than in time ins, we have people coming for dinner and I need to get some stuff sent off for my volunteer position and for Mother's Day. I just really needed to cry, I needed to breathe and say a quick prayer. I went to the mailbox and there was a card sent from a friend thanking me for my friendship and letting me know that she was thinking about me and praying for me. It changed my day.

I have a big decision I may need to make soon and it could change the way my day goes. There is a job that may open this fall and they have asked that I come and take a test and interview for it. I'm not sure I am ready to give up my stay at home mom status. I know the income would be helpful and I will say of all the jobs I have had this stay at home mom stuff is crazy but I also know how fast time goes...

I did mention that there is a test involved and to be honest I am not a good test taker - in fact I would rather write a 12 page paper than take a test. Maybe my test score will take care of it = )

Sanity comes from insanity

With all the insanity of last week I find all it takes is to walk through and peek in at the kids at night to bring the sanity back...of course come morning the insanity returns and we start all over again = )

With much sadness...

This picture is from 1990, I was headed to a high school dance but this little guy needed a story read. How could I resist him? Those big eyes... On Sunday he passed away.

That's all I can write, that's all I want to write. Right now it just hurts too much... Please pray for his family - he will be missed.

Again, I am humbled...

Its funny how on the days when I am having the best "poor me" day something happens to jolt me back into reality. Like when we ended up stuck due to bad weather and having to drive 5 1/2 hours on Easter instead of attending church, hunting for eggs and having a big meal. I will admit I was a bit disappointed and cranky. I know, I was totally showing the true meaning of Easter. I was frantically helping Pete load the car when a small window broke in the snow storm so we could make it over the pass before it closed AGAIN! I was very much in manager role with little patience and a lot of expectations. We arrived home and there was a package from one of Pete's friends. In it was a vest that his best friend Mark wore while fishing. Mark passed away in a plane crash and as I watched Pete hold the vest and silently sob reality came crashing down. As he sat and just held that vest I wanted to eat all the words from earlier. They weren't mean words, they were just words that lacked the tone of patience. I just stood with him in silence. I was reminded that life is too short to get upset over the little things, life means too much to lose patience over the things we can't control. Again, I am humbled...

Here's another example. Today is what I call a re-entry day. My mom was here to visit and left on Sunday. I have to re-adjust to not having her around and so do the kids. I get grumpy and they get naughty. Like dipping baby wipes into the dog's water and wash the leather couch naughty while I'm on a call. Then I received an email from an AHOPE volunteer and while she was in Ethiopia one of the guest house guard's sisters died suddenly. She was just 25 and the only family he had left. He was so kind to us and has a heart for serving and giving and I can't imagine the loss he feels. There is a line from a song that says something like "I see a man of sorrows and his long, troubled road. I see the world on his shoulders and my easy load". Again, I am humbled...


In Ethiopia I am told it is tradition when someone loses a family member that you just go and sit with them. I could learn a lot from that...

Wise beyond her years

For the last week we spent time with friends at my Aunt and Uncle's home near the Teton mountains. As we watched the rain turn to snow Ella was busy writing. She came up to me and said "mom, I wrote some song lyrics". Here is what she came up with (keep in mind she is in kindergarten) and of course I think she is the smartest kid ever - duh...

The wind is crashing down

I see it all fall

I see you in the rain

I see that you're wet so come inside

I will warm you

I've been looking for you so come on let's play

and then at the bottom she wrote "now let's have a snack" = ) That's my girl...

Wordless Wednesday

Loving one that is already here...

I get asked a lot about adoption and our experience, in fact I tend to over talk when people ask. I get so excited when someone says they are thinking about adopting. I selfishly love re-living our journey. I will borrow you adoption books and copy articles for you. I will email you websites to look at. I have had the privilege of connecting with many different families who have used many different agencies and I love it when people ask if I know anyone who used this or that agency and would I be willing to connect them. I am honored to write reference letters for both agencies we have used and for families in the adoption process. Often I give too much information and overwhelm. = ) The part I don't love is defending our choice to adopt or watch other families have to defend their choice to adopt. Each situation is unique, as is every child. Is every family called to adopt - probably not - not for me to say. Is adoption easy? No. Are there parts that will send you to your knees in prayer? YES - more than once. Will you question your choice and will you wonder if it is the right thing to do? yes. There was a ton of second guessing and questioning with all three of our kiddos. Do I regret any of it? No.

Recently a good friend wrote on her blog about one of her kids crying out in the night for her when they were having a bad dream. It reminded me of one night while we were still in the prayer part of whether or not it was the right time to adopt that Ella had a bad dream. Both Pete and I ran to her, held her and talked with her until she could fall back asleep. I remember thinking somewhere there is a child that is crying out because they are afraid and no one is running to them. No one is holding them until they feel safe enough to fall back asleep. It may sound like a little thing but at that point I knew adoption was right for our family. There is a great line from the movie Martian Child - John Cusack's character when talking about adoption and parenting says "I get all the arguments against it. I even get the one that says 'I don't know if I want to bring another kid into this world' but how do you argue with the logic of loving one that is already here."

Standing Tall

We wrestle, I tug, we attach, we bond. My fingers finally find a rhythm and start to flow. I feel privileged and humbled to be doing her hair. I feel very inadequate but willing to learn. I feel proud as she shows off her new "do" to daddy. I know we both have a long way to go but for a moment I feel proud. Her hair is still short and the options are limited but I am trying. She is getting used to the pulling and I liken it to when your child has to teach themselves to fall asleep without your rocking and singing. It breaks your heart to hear them cry but you know this is for the best. You still occasionally sneak in to pat them on the back or tuck them back in with a kiss. I sometimes don't tug as hard when she looks at me with her big eyes and says "ouch" but I tell her that they have to be tight to stay in. I repeat the names of her friends who also sit through long hair sessions. I repeat a phrase that I heard growing up "beauty is pain". I watch her walk away taking a quick glance in the mirror and walking a little taller.



I get it - there will be times when I can't explain why things are different for her. When I can't fully understand where she is coming from and what she is feeling. I won't always be there to answer strangers' prying and sometimes judgemental questions. But I can honor her past and do my part to help her feel that she fits in. As a family we can be a part of the future and for today I will stand tall.



"To all children of African descent, may they find in their past the strength to shape their future." E. Greenfield



http://www.onetruemedia.com/shared?p=8068d88772a2b0793daecb&skin_id=701

Ethiopia Wordless Wednesday

This is the day...

January 23, 2010 - Today we spent the day at the big kid's care center painting on the walls. It was fun and crazy and at times a bit out of control but the kids had a great time helping. While we were painting one of the girls started singing. She had sang for us before and her voice is nothing less than angelic. It is soft and sweet and simply pure. She was softly singing "this is the day, this is the day that the Lord has made". Slowly another girl joined in and tears just started streaming down my cheeks. Which, I may add, did not help my painting. Here were these girls who have seen more pain and loss in their short lives than I have in my 30 some years and they are able to sing "let us rejoice and be glad in it". And they really meant it - they really believed the words they were singing. It wasn't meant to impress or show off, it was real. Again I was humbled. Again I was reminded of God's grace. It's funny now when I start complaining I hear this voice softly singing and I can see her face and again I am reminded to rejoice...

This is the day, This is the day,
That the Lord has made, That the Lord has made
I will rejoice, I will rejoice and be glad in it, and be glad in it.
This is the day that Lord has made,
I will rejoice and be glad in it.
This is the day, this is the day that the Lord has made.

Learning that to give is better then to receive

Ella has been growing her hair out for some time now. She has always had a TON of hair - she was born with a full head of hair - dark, curly hair. Awhile back we discussed growing her hair and then donating it to Locks of Love. We talked about our friends and family members who have fought cancer. We talked about how when we go out in public a lot of times people stare at our family because we are a little different then other families. We talked about how some kids are fighting hard to be healthy and sometimes the medicine they are on makes their hair fall out and then when they are out in public they get starred at. We talked about how nice it feels to sometimes not be starred at and to not have to explain why you are different. That sometimes it is important to talk about differences and but also how sometimes you just need a little break from all the questions. Then we talked about how Ella's hair could help another child take that much needed "break". So she patiently waited and then yesterday donated about 11 inches. She got in the car and said "Well, I guess I better start working on growing long hair. I think I would really like to do that again." Anders was at preschool while we were at the salon - he got in the car and said "Wow Ella, you look pretty and sweet. I love you even more."

Every 14 seconds...

Every 14 seconds a Child Headed Household is formed. They (the researchers) say that throwing out statistics tends to overwhelm people and that they are more likely to be moved to action or to give if you simply present a picture and maybe a story. So here is mine - this was my call to action. My oldest is six years old and awhile back I was reading the book AIDS Orphans Rising by Sister Mary Elizabeth Lloyd. Short read, and I would highly recommend it - in fact if you live close by I would be happy to lend you my copy. Anyway, her book takes on the the statistic that by 2010 (and that is this year for those not aware) it is estimated that there will be 25,000,000 AIDS orphans. The oldest in the family now leading the household hence the term Child Headed Household. The point is that if the "good" people aren't leading and caring for these children then those deemed "not so good" will.

So here's where my story comes in. As I was reading I thought of Ella, she is six and if Pete and I were to die and let's say we lived in an area with no "foster care" system and let's say we die of a disease that our relatives have not been educated on so they are so afraid of getting it that they refuse to take in our three kids or there are no relatives or they are so overwhelmed by there own situation they just can't help my three... I think you get my point - Ella would be left in charge, she would be part of the every 14 seconds statistic. And this part is what scares me the most - she could do it. If she had to she could. NO DOUBT IN MY MIND. She would step up, she would fight for food, she would discipline, she would sacrifice herself for them. She would do what many her age are already doing, many younger than her. She would step up and at age six be the mom. Now just imagine knowing that you are the mother, you know you are dying and dying of AIDS is not easy. You are fighting, you are trying to teach Ella everything you can before you go so she knows what to do. You know that your relatives will probably be coming to take what you have after you pass so you tell her where to hide things, how to fight for the little you have. You desperately plead with anyone to help you - you pray like you have never prayed before. You hide your own fear so that she will think it will be ok. But you know she will be scared, that she will be pushed to her limits and you just pray that somehow she will make it. You pray that someone will step up and help.

I know that some blogs are fun to read and I think maybe sometimes mine will be but as I watched Ella help me get Anders and Sara ready to go this morning I knew this was a post I had to write. So if you are a parent look at your oldest and think could they do it? and then do something...

It is 2010 and the statistics are out there, it is go time.

There is right now a mother preparing her oldest to lead her family, stand along side her and make a difference. Please step up.

Wordless Wednesday

and they said we wouldn't make it

I have been blessed with AMAZING friends everywhere we have lived. Friends who quickly go beyond the "wow, the weather today is crazy" surface type conversations. Friends who open up, hold me close, laugh with me and many times at me, put up with my strong personality and fill in when family is far away. Friends who run with me, pray with me, share secrets, hopes and dreams. It is hard to be the new kid on the block, even when you are in your thirties. I have learned to not be offended when it takes awhile to be included and that sometimes to be included you just have to ask. That's how I met Tarah. She had spoken at an adoption class and I ran into her one day at Best Buy. I walked up and said "hey, I hear you host a playgroup and we would love to come." She's been stuck with us ever since = ) Tarah was my travel partner on this last trip to Ethiopia. Some said (being that we are both strong personalities) that it was the end. That this could be the end of the girls' nights, play group and though I don't think we have this much pull - the adoption community in the western states. Okay, I made that last part up but I think you get my drift.

Well, we made it and I would travel again with her in a heartbeat. She held my hand and prayed with me one morning. I had been struggling and she didn't ask she just leaned over and prayed. She hugged Sara's birth mom - she sat in a room while I once again met with Ayelech. She let me be silent the whole ride home and we would exchange silent nods on the long drive back to Addis. Both with tears - hearts changed forever. Never to be the same. She loved on the kids and let me process. She has a heart of gold and man, can the woman braid hair. The song below is again by Sara Groves - I think it fantastically details this journey. We have both seen a lot - our safe American bubble has been burst and we will never be the same. But I think that's how its supposed to be - hearts broken by the world so that we realize where our true joy must come from...

Joy Is In Our Hearts
Sara Groves

we were pressed on every side
full of fear and troubled thoughts
for good reason we carried heavy hearts

it is good to come together
in our friendship to remember
all the reasons hope is in our hearts

hallelujah hallelujah
Christ our joy and strength
hallelujah hallelujah
Christ our joy and strength

now with patience in our suffering
perseverance in our prayers
with good reason this hope is in our hearts

hallelujah hallelujah
Christ our joy and strength
hallelujah hallelujah
Christ our joy and strength

oh we saw the face of Angels
many good things well secured
for good reason this joy is in our hearts

hallelujah hallelujah
Christ our joy and strength
hallelujah hallelujah
Christ our joy and strength

for good reason joy is in our hearts

If walls could talk - from the big kids' care center...

Jan. 20th Ethiopia

I am slowly going to add some of my journal entries from the trip - here is one of my first.

Jan. 20th - We really don't have access to the Internet. In fact, we have "rented" a cell phone from one of the guards at the guest house. The staff at the guest house are wonderful and with all the mess of trying to get ahold of CHSFS we really do need one. Yesterday, we attended Timkat with the older kids from the care center. We spent the morning standing in the large field with several thousand people listening to songs and prayers and trying not to lose any of the children (the count back at the van had us minus one kiddo but he was quickly found). The older kids especially try to scatter a bit from the group and I can't blame them. When you are in a large group with a few white women you stand out a bit and scream "orphanage". Stigma is stigma everywhere and almost all kids want to fit in. Once again my tattoos drew some attention - I have a cross on my ankle which is my reminder that I walk by faith and have been told in the past when in Ethiopia that it should be on my forehead. Things important to us should be at eye level. I always reply, with the utmost respect, that I will consider that for next time = ) My other tattoo is an AIDS ribbon held together by a yellow Meskal flower. The Ethiopian flower looks kind of like a daisy and blooms at the end of the rainy season. It is amazing to see - (the end of the rainy season, not my tattoo)the mountains and hills become alive with yellow. That flower is proof that the rains have come - they may come late or there may not have been enough to up the water table but they have come.

Back to Timkat - there were vendors selling sugar cane and the kids each had a piece and devoured it. There were also people walking around with cat tails - Timkat has to do with baptism/ water, anyway, the boys enjoyed using them as guns. Love that!

The first couple of days were spent finding our comfort level. There is no schedule, really no expectations of volunteers and really no direction. I, personally, had ideas of what I had hoped the trip would look like but after walking into the care center those expectations had to go. Instantly we were swarmed by children hoping for attention. They fought over who got to hold our hands, sit next to us on the van, use our cameras. Which, on a side note - some of my best pictures where taken by this amazing young man with a gift for art. While riding in the van there was an older boy sitting in front of me. I would often catch him looking at me when he thought I wasn't looking at him. It took awhile (and with all the people and traffic and closed roads we had a TON of time) but slowly I felt an elbow on my left knee. It was a purposeful touch but it had such a tense feeling to it that I knew as soon as I even leaned in his direction he would pull it away. It is a touch that comes from someone who longs for that interaction but can't take the hurt that may accompany it. I have felt and experienced that kind of touch many times in my work. I don't know if it is more of a "boy" thing or a "trust" thing or a combination of both but I have learned that those times are the ones that are a bigger deal than my purpose. It was at that moment that my expectations changed. Yes, I had things I needed to accomplish, meetings to attend, people to meet, other programs to check out, updates to obtain but it became so clear at that point that sometimes just being may be the most important agenda. To help restore a little trust in humanity, to provide just a brief moment of hope for one person - even in the smallest amount is what matters. Yes, I have some changes I would like to see but sometimes in the stillness of a moment our eyes our opened. Those are the times that the long lasting, forever changes are made and isn't that really what life is about.

Always looking for results...

Tarah sent me a link to a blog this morning and I just had to post a piece from it...

"Do not depend on the hope of results. When you are doing the sort of work you have taken on, essentially an apostolic work, you may have to face the fact that your work will be apparently worthless and even achieve no result at all, if not perhaps results opposite to what you expect.

As you get used to this idea, you start more and more to concentrate not on the results but on the value, the rightness, the truth of the work itself."

—Thomas Merton, in a letter to Jim Forest dated February 21, 1966

Expectations

I think it may take me awhile to add more posts - I am slowly trying to process through this trip and unfortunately for my sleep cycle most of it comes around 2:00 a.m. This was a trip with an outcome I didn't expect and that for me has been hard. I often wonder if I set my expectations too high. I wonder if it is okay to compare one place with another. I wonder if my "American view" has too high of standards. Sometimes I think it is even more difficult when you see how someone else is doing it and go "wow, why can't we do that?"! I don't mean to sound negative and I guess that is why it may make take me some time before I post more. I need to have some pretty tough discussions with some people here in the US before I decide where to go next. I guess I will see where it goes from there. There is a man who I very much respect when it comes to the fight against HIV/AIDS in Africa. He said to me once, "You know Nicky, since I started this fight I don't sleep much anymore." For the love, I don't think he meant it as a challenge but I will admit it is nice to know that someone else out there is also up processing through the things they have seen.

To those who have been trying to comment on the blog - sorry that really won't work until I get home! And because it has been difficult to get internet time I will have to wait and write more when I get back. I have so much to process in my head and while I would love to say I am encouraged by this trip I have to be honest and say I have a lot of things that need some deep thought and prayer. All that said it has been quite the journey and I am ready to head back to see my family. Tarah and I are amazing travel partners and I can't thank her enough for her friendship (unless you have read her blog and she is saying something different then I take that back) -just kidding! There is a volunteer here whose name is Jane and she is AMAZING - her honesty and heart have opened my eyes to some things that will help me be a better volunteer coordinator. Oh and she is also willing to kill large spiders - that helps a TON! Once again I need to go I am doing some flouride treatments this afternoon - who knew. Should be good and don't worry I have had training! = )

things are going well here - sometimes i still can't believe i am back in africa. i am feeling better (i know it is all about me) and just avoiding eating lunch as that is when I get most sick. There just aren't places to stop and be sick on the 25 min walk to the care centers = ) We have been playing games with the kids and doing crafts, meeting with people nd just taking the time to learn and care. There is so much to take in and wrap my mind and heart around. We have had a good experience except for the young man to day who toold us to go home soon before we get hurt and that they don't need white women here. Good to know... Everyone else we have met have been wonderful and the kids and staff are amazing. We witnessed our first dinner preparation yesterday needless to say the sheep are no longer eating the grass and have in turn been eaten. Can't wait to teach everyone at home a new game - basically it is hopscotch Ethiopian style and much harder. I should go - last time I wrote a whole post and then the power went off so before that happens again...

Just wanted to let everyone know we are in Ethiopia and are doing well-I am getting a bit sick so would love prayer for that. We don't have very good access to the web so I probably won't post much until I return. It is both wonderful and humbling to be here and as always quite the experience!

Goodnight and see you soon!

Tonight as I was packing Sara came over, looked up at me with her big brown eyes and said "come back mommy, come back soon". I wonder what is going on her mind. Ella wears her heart on her sleeve so the tears flow often and we are able to talk it through - Anders just shrugs and goes to play. Well, here is just a little goodnight note to Ella, Anders & Sara -I love you and will miss you sooooo much. I know that it is hard to call and email sometimes from Ethiopia but I will do my best. Know that I love you and miss you already! I love that you have family, friends and teachers who have offered to give you "mom hugs" until I return. To Pete, who is usually the one going on adventures - thanks for letting me do this and supporting this trip. I love you with all that I am. To all those who called or emailed and I didn't get back to you - I am so sorry but thanks for your offers of love and prayers! Now to finish packing = )

I just ask one thing...

There is a quote that I love by Robert M. Pirsig in a journal my sister gave me, it says: The place to improve the world is first in one's own heart and head and hands and then work outward from there.

My journey back to Ethiopia has been wonderful and humbling and a large part of it has been educating myself regarding AIDS, HIV, stigma, hope, culture, awareness...you get the picture.

So that is what I am asking of you - learn. While I am in Ethiopia - learn. Many of you already have and are but if you haven't please do. We expect the stigma surrounding HIV to end in Ethiopia yet to a large extent it still exists here. You can be a part of changing that and I hope you will.

Some places to go to start you thinking (things change fast with HIV - new things are discovered, old thoughts are corrected, so keep that in mind). Go to this link at fromhivtohome and walk around their website there is some great information and they do some wonderful stuff. Of course you can head to AHOPE for Children go to this link and another one with a ton of information - I haven't gone through all of it but go to this link www.hivandthechurch.com

So learn and ask quesions...you never know where it will lead.

I Saw What I Saw

By Sara Groves

I saw what I saw and I can't forget it
I heard what I heard and I can't go back
I know what I know and I can't deny it

something on the road, cut me to the soul

your pain has changed me
your dream inspires
your face a memory
your hope a fire
your courage asks me what I'm afraid of
and what I know of love

we've done what we've done and we can't erase it
we are what we are and it's more than enough
we have what we have but it's no substitution

something on the road, cut me to the soul

chorus

I say what I say with no hesitation
I have what I have but I'm giving it up
I do what I do with deep conviction

something on the road, cut me to the soul

your courage asks me what I’m afraid of
your courage asks me what I am made of
your courage asks me what I’m afraid of
and what I know of love
and what I know of God