Triggers

The word "trigger" is something I am very familiar with - when working with troubled boys we were always on the look out for "triggers".  Those sounds, words, smells, things that brought them back to a place of fear or hurt or loss.  They are things that cannot be avoided but when you see them coming you can take the time to slow down and prepare.  It is like knowing that road construction is coming. You usually have to go through it but when you see the LARGE orange signs telling you it is coming you can slow down and maybe even find a slight detour to avoid the really messy parts.  So I guess I thought I was somewhat good on managing triggers.... 

Well, I need to be honest - I am not when it comes to my family. In fact I feel as though I failed miserably.  This fall brought the one year anniversary of losing C & J, a birthday for a certain beautiful daughter, the anniversary of her joining our family, starting preschool... These all hit within about a 5 week time span.  We hit a wall in our adoption journey at 90 miles an hour.  We hit hard and are still recovering from the wreckage.  Oh Lord, heal her hurt.  Give us wisdom - give me eyes to see what is ahead before we are smack in the mess.  Help me take her words of hurt and anger and love her through them...

Lord, I am so thankful for the friends who get this.  Who are also walking it and can just sit in the midst and listen.  Those who offer a hug and not judgement.  Who don't see her differently when I speak of the anger and hurt she is passing out.  Who pray for all of us as we seek out a route of healing.  Who offer hope when I find that I feel hopeless.  Who daily lift up this beautiful daughter whose memories are real and big and rich.  Who has wisdom beyond what her little body can handle.  Who remind me to keep my mind on the eternal and not get discouraged by the set backs.  Who understand that in the end it is only her Father above that can fill that loss.  Who understand that reading books and therapy and diet changes are key to success but in the end He is her ALL in ALL.  He is her strength when she is weak, her peace that flows deeper than the pain.  

In the book Glorious Ruin it states that:

"We may never fully understand why God allows the suffering that devastates our lives.  We may not ever find the right answers to how we'll dig ourselves out.  There may not be any silver lining, especially not in the ways we would like.  But we don't need answers as much as we need God's presence in and through the suffering itself.  For the life of the believer, one thing is beautifully and abundantly true: God's chief concern in your suffering is to be with you and be Himself for you.  

In other words, our ruin might not ultimately spell our undoing.  It may in fact spell the beginning of our faith.  And in the end, that is enough.  Gloriously so."

She may never find the silver lining that will make her loss of her first family make sense but I pray she will find faith. I pray that when she can't seem to trust my words of unconditional love she will hang on tight to His.  

Romans 8:37-39  No, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us. For I am sure that neither death nor life, nor angels nor rulers, nor things present nor things to come, nor powers, nor height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God in Christ Jesus our Lord.