When reading this please keep in mind that pieces of this have been written over the last several weeks as we walk and heal and more importantly, as we hope.
I have been trying to write about all that happened in the end with the boys but to be honest to go there means letting my heart feel them, smell them, hear them laugh, see their smiles and feel their heads fall on my chest. To do that causes my chest to start to cave in and I want to run – run to a place where the hurt can’t come.
My head lowers and tears start to flow when I remember watching Pete slowly buckle them in the car seats on that last day. Watching him kiss them softly on the cheeks and say goodbye. I just stood there in the cold air trying not to lose it – we had made it seem so exciting for the boys so it wouldn’t be hard for them. I remember turning around and seeing Pete watch the car until it was out of sight and walking into the house and having Pete pull me close. I remember sobbing with him and then he spent the next couple of hours putting everything away. I didn’t want to see the crib, I didn’t want to smell their blankets and see the toys. We boxed up all the clothes and put them into the attic.
Pete went back to work and I went to pick up Anders from kindergarten. Anders crawled up into the car and looked around for the boys. Again my head lowered and I quietly told him that they were gone. He buckled in his car seat and without missing a beat said “Mom, God is not going to forget us and He is not going to forget them and even if we have to do this again – if another baby comes and has to leave God knows what family they are supposed to be in. Mom, remember that Jesus is ALWAYS good. Just remember that.” He looked forward and rested fully in a God who doesn’t forget, who works all for good – even when it doesn't seem to make sense.
For the next week I held on to Anders’ faith because mine was sinking. I held on with all I had to a faith of a five year old. He didn’t need reasons why this had happened he just knew it had and that we would make it through it.
I ended up helping with Orphan Sunday at our church a couple weeks ago which I wasn’t supposed to help with this year but someone got sick so reluctantly I agreed and two really excited families came up to introduce me to their sons who had joined their families through adoption this past year. Both said “we are so glad we saw you – you were such an encouragement to our families to adopt and we wanted you to meet our new additions.” I smiled and then when they left motioned to Pete that I needed to go. We got in the car and I, with a not so quiet voice said, “Are you kidding me? I just put two boys in a car and watched them drive away. Come on Lord – just a small break from the hurt would be nice.“ But I knew that I also needed to see the joy that comes with adoption – I still needed to find the hope in the pain. As we drove off Pete held my hand and said. “Right now I don’t love the process of adoption but I do still believe that adoption is part of God’s plan for our family.” So we will continue on with the journey – walking in faith. Walking with hope. Looking towards our heavenly Father and waiting on His plan. Trusting that He will be faithful and even though we don’t know what that will look like we know that He will hold us through it and that in itself is amazing.
Through this God has been more real, more present, more mighty. While He is always there and always those things the hurt had put me in a place where I had to take the time to just sit and be with Him - to keep going I had to lean on Him. The hurt was so strong and my heart was so tired that to function I needed to be fully in His presence.
Just recently I went in to tuck in Ella and I said “Ella it is pretty hard to fall asleep with your eyes open.” I smiled and then I saw her eyes were sad. So I cuddled in next to her and she said “Mom, I’m just talking to God about the boys.” We talked about how God is the best to talk to when our hearts are hurting and that sometimes our earthly moms and dads can get busy but God is never too busy to hear our hearts. She looked up and quietly said, “Mom, I am trying to hear His voice but I only keep hearing mine.” I silently prayed “God be loud – let her hear You through her pain. Show her Your joy and peace. Use this hurt in her heart for Your glory and Your glory alone.” May that be our prayer always!
People ask would we do it again – yeah. We knew going in that this was a legal risk placement. We went into this in prayer, we walked through it with prayer and we will continue to pray. We are holding on to the One who never lets us go and man that is awesome! From Psalm 31:14-15 But I am trusting you, O Lord, saying “You are my God!” My future is in your hands.
Everyday Lord it is You I live for…
I will not boast in anything
No gifts, no power, no wisdom
But I will boast in Jesus Christ
His death and resurrection
Why should I gain from His reward?
I cannot give an answer
But this I know with all my heart
His wounds have paid my ransom
From the song “How Deep The Father’s Love For Us”
