A prayer on Mother's Day

Dear Lord,
She is growing so fast.  Please will you slow the time.  Her birth was hard but oh so worth it. The black, curly hair making me wonder if this was truly my child.  She spends more time in her room now. She no longer needs to know where I am all the time. She is spreading her wings - glorious, colorful wings that soar higher than I can even dream.  Wings that will take her to places I have only wished to see.  Her beauty shows how much oh Lord you delight in the details.  Her mind runs at a constant pace taking in all that she sees - delighting in your creation and weeping at the brokenness.  Her knowledge rests more in the world than in my arms and while I know this is how you created her to be why then does my heart ache at the thought of her flying.

It is her time to find You on her own. To not rest on my beliefs but on her own so please speak loudly to her.  Let her hear Your voice.  A voice that is full of hope and comfort and let grace never leave her. Let her stand strong knowing she is forgiven.  Lord, may guilt and fear not follow her but instead let her shake it off like water on a duck's wings.  May she stay humble yet rise above the expectations of this world.  When those around her take a path that does not lead to You may she be able to see the angels surrounding her as she stands tall and walks alone.

I know the hurts are coming, may her faith be solid and strong enough that she is able to stand amongst those waves.  She is the first you entrusted to me and she will be the first that I will send back out into the world. Dear Lord, may I do this well.  I pray that when I am old I can hold her hand, look back and see that You, Lord where there every step of the way.

Amen.

Run the Race

Today when I tied the laces of my running shoes I was running for her.  This amazing woman who ran hard whether it was actual running or the race of life.  She served those who had been beaten, broken down and abused.  She gave them a place to rest, rebuild and raise their heads.  And I'm going to miss her.  I am going to miss her smile, her laugh, her servant's heart and her love for others.  I will do my best to follow the example she has set of a woman who faithfully served Christ and others without judgment and without expectation of anything in return.  I will remember how she would serve these very organic, very healthy turkey hot dogs that were terrible.  I'm going to miss that.  She would run with my sister and I at the North Shore and we would be scared to death.  She was such a phenomenal runner.   Yet she would keep at our pace (which is so slow) and encourage us the entire time.  There is no doubt in my mind that this morning when she met her savior He looked at her and said "well done my good and faithful servant".  

It's just an honor to be nominated

What is that all about? "It's just an honor to be nominated."  Someone once decided that second place sucks and so they came up with a phrase that you could say to allow you to save face when you find out that the title is not yours to be held.  That the "crown" is being placed on someone else's head.  That the preparation you did is no longer needed.  Because seriously what are the odds they aren't going to be able to perform the duties… So you utter that much needed phrase and walk out head held high and you are thankful for the journey and the time you had.  You try to learn the lessons that you were supposed to learn and then with all the dignity you have left you walk away.  Maybe there will be closure and maybe not.  You are thankful that even though you don't get to be there for the every day things you got to be there for just a bit.  And you mourn and grieve and then you lift up your face and try to move on.  Thankful for the pieces that have come together that you know are good.  That the relationships that are important can stay in tact.  You pray now not only for them but also the family that has been chosen.  You do your best to not take it personally and cling to the truth that God is sovereign and has a plan.  That He holds their past, their today and their future and He will never leave them. And you do your best to not doubt and look back.  You learn from it and hope it made you better, stronger, more like the person He sees in you.  And you remember... You remember their smell and hair and smile and laugh and songs.  Songs come on that help you remember.  Songs that you sang as you held them and rocked them to sleep.

When the rain is blowing in your face
And the whole world is on your case
I could offer you a warm embrace
To make you feel my love

When the evening shadows and the stars appear
And there is no one there to dry your tears
I could hold you for a million years
To make you feel my love

I know you haven't made your mind up yet
But I would never do you wrong
I've known it from the moment that we met
no doubt in my mind were you belong

I'd go hungry, I'd go black and blue
I'd go crawling down the avenue
No, there's nothing that I wouldn't do
To make you feel my love

The storms are raging on the rolling sea
And on the highway of regret
The winds of change are blowing wild and free
You ain't seen nothing like me yet

I could make you happy, make your dreams come true
Nothing that I wouldn't do
Go to the ends of the Earth for you
To make you feel my love

To make you feel my love

Adele's version of the Bob Dylan song "Make You Feel My Love"

It's gonna be alright

Yesterday I sat in the lobby of the Breast Cancer Center, surrounded by women much older than I was.  I had found a lump and my primary doctor saw me right away and the Breast Cancer Center got me in at 8:30 the next morning for a mammogram. So I sat there waiting - the previous night filled with fear and worry.  Doing my best to trust and to give Him my fear but I was alone.  Pete was halfway across the world and my mom had left that morning.  Why Lord? Why not when she was here so I wouldn't be alone.  Why not when she could help watch the kids instead of me desperately texting neighbors and friends to pass them off… but He knew this and so I had to trust.  I heard them ask a woman to step into this room and as I listened they told her all looked good she was free to go home.  When I had first sat down I saw a woman about my age leaving wiping tears from her face.  Oh Lord, bless her.  She was this beautiful woman, walking out alone gently wiping the tears, head down.  Oh Lord, may she pass through this safely.  I sat there longer - having left my watch in the locker I wondered how much time had passed.  A new woman had come in.  She mentioned to the tech that she also was supposed to have an ultrasound "Oh don't worry about that - they only do that when they find something."

Two minutes later they called me into a room and explained they wanted to do an ultrasound and were waiting on paperwork.  Um. no.  I would like the talk when they just say "you're good. head home.".  So back I went to sit and wait.  And stare at all the sparkly pink ribbons and the survivor stickers.   Hold it together mind - don't let Satan bring in fear.  He is good NO MATTER WHAT.  I just had that conversation with my mom.  A family member received some great news and someone said "God is so good" and He is.  But He is also good in the hard but somehow we don't seem to text that back to someone when the news is not what we want.  Can you imagine the text conversation?  "Hey, just found out I have MS." and the reply back is "God is so good." What? We always add to it "I am so sorry but God is good and He will be with you."  Though it is hard to remember in the hard times that He is good, He is.  No explanation needed.  He just is - maybe it is just harder to believe because we see so little.  Because at least for me my faith is to small to see that.

So I excused myself to the restroom and talked myself out of becoming physically ill.  I sat back down amongst the other women waiting - silence.  No one spoke.  They all just flipped through magazine pages.  So I sat and prayed and waited.  Snuck back to the locker area to send a few quick text messages about needing to have an ultrasound also and then quietly took my seat again.  Though the waves pass over me you will hold me up and though the river is strong you will not let my feet slip…  Oh Lord, hold me up.

And then it was my turn.  The tech was chatty which helped - made me relax.  Thank you.  She asked some questions, did what she needed to do.  And then said she would be back in a few minutes after the images had been read.  I prayed for mercy.  Oh Lord, if there is not so good news please not without Pete here.  I still have to go it alone for a bit.  I can't pretend nothing is wrong in front of the kids until he comes home.  Please Lord. Please Lord.  That was in between "don't cry, be brave. don't cry - hold it together."  She walked in and smiled.  Oh thank you Lord for her smile.  "You got the all clear.  Looks good but you may want to cut back on caffeine. Probably would help."  I sat up and said thank you.  She looked at me and said "I always like giving good news".  Thank you Lord for good news.  Thank you for friends willing to step up and help with my kiddos.  Thank you Lord for family who pray without ceasing.  Thank you Lord for a breast center that can handle all tests needed in one place without waiting days.  Thank you Lord for keeping me in the shelter of your love when my faith is not strong.  When I doubt and fear.  Thank you that you never let go.  For you are good through the calm and the storm.

Lord, we have walked this journey before and I am blessed to call you Father.  You are the one who never leaves us or lets us fall from your grasp.  You place our feet on solid ground and hold us as the winds blow and the rain falls.  You surround us with your favor.  Though I am weak, You are strong.  Though I fail, you never will.  Though I can only see the day ahead you see my eternity.  You are the almighty. Amen and Amen

For my son

Dear Lord,
He is worried.
Give him peace.
He is scared and sad and still so little.
Grow him in Godly maturity.
His emotions take over and reasoning with him is impossible.
Bring him calm.
He is strong and witty and so smart.
Keep him humble.
He is energetic and loving and good.
Keep him pure.
The enemy is fighting for him for he knows he will do great things.
Give your angels victory over him.
He wants to serve you with all that he is.
Keep him on the right path.
The waves are around him and the water threatens to pull him under.
Give him legs to stand tall.
The earth bombards him with unclean images.
Keep his eyes fixed on you.  
There are so many who speak untruths.
Bring him faithful friends to walk alongside him.
He is so hard on himself.
Let him see himself as you see him.
He questions the future.
Give him vision to see beyond today.
He can be so selfish.
Help him to remember that we are called to serve and love others first.
His voice when he sings is beautiful.
May he use it to bring you joy.
He feels at times that he is a burden.
Remind him that he is a child of the King.
At times he feels alone.
Speak loudly to his soul.
He has forgotten what a big God he follows.
Remind him of your greatness.
Amen.

A Place to Relax

I haven't written in awhile but the explanation for that will have to wait.  Today I have spent a very hot afternoon hauling pavers to our backyard.  They were dropped off at our driveway and this is the second batch of these heavy, gritty pavers.  There are a lot of them and they are heavy and it is hot.  I may have already mentioned that part about it being hot but it is.   These pavers will go towards building a patio in the backyard where we can sit as a family, have a fire, relax and enjoy our home.  I ran into a neighbor and complained that I was dying - I am sore and tired and my hands have blisters.  I walked in to grab a glass of water and turned on PBS.  They were interviewing a woman who directed a film called the The Last Days in Vietnam.  At least I am pretty sure that's the title I only caught the last 3 minutes.  It showed a plane trying to take off and people were literally hanging off the stairs into the plane.  They were desperate to get out of that country and the flight attendants were pulling them up by their arms as they hung on for life.  They were pushing people towards the plane as it went down the runway picking up speed.  They were yelling and shouting to not be left behind.  I started to think of what real desperation must feel like.  What real thirst must feel like.  What real hunger must feel like.  And I wept.  Here I was complaining about carrying pavers for a patio to relax at.  Dear heavenly Father, forgive me for forgetting how blessed I am.  For taking for granted the life I have.  Forgive me for not seeing.

Joy comes in the morning (Part 2)

I don't know why it has taken me so long to write this - it is the happy part of the story, the joy part.  The "issues" had been taken care of and if we said "yes" there was a little baby boy waiting in the parking lot, waiting to come home.  And a woman walked in with this beautiful baby boy, and she stroked his hair into a little mohawk and cried tears over him as she told us that they have been loving on him and praying over him.  With tears she handed him over to us.  There are no words for the gift he is to us - his name means Jehovah is God, He is our salvation.  He doesn't walk, he jumps like Tigger.  He loves music and climbing.  His voice is the sweetest I have ever heard.  He has a temper and is stronger than he looks.  People stop us to talk about how beautiful he is.  When I walk in to get him in the morning he smiles and greets us with joy.  The road may be long and hard and full of pain but joy comes in the morning.

You make beautiful things out of the dust.