It's gonna be alright

Yesterday I sat in the lobby of the Breast Cancer Center, surrounded by women much older than I was.  I had found a lump and my primary doctor saw me right away and the Breast Cancer Center got me in at 8:30 the next morning for a mammogram. So I sat there waiting - the previous night filled with fear and worry.  Doing my best to trust and to give Him my fear but I was alone.  Pete was halfway across the world and my mom had left that morning.  Why Lord? Why not when she was here so I wouldn't be alone.  Why not when she could help watch the kids instead of me desperately texting neighbors and friends to pass them off… but He knew this and so I had to trust.  I heard them ask a woman to step into this room and as I listened they told her all looked good she was free to go home.  When I had first sat down I saw a woman about my age leaving wiping tears from her face.  Oh Lord, bless her.  She was this beautiful woman, walking out alone gently wiping the tears, head down.  Oh Lord, may she pass through this safely.  I sat there longer - having left my watch in the locker I wondered how much time had passed.  A new woman had come in.  She mentioned to the tech that she also was supposed to have an ultrasound "Oh don't worry about that - they only do that when they find something."

Two minutes later they called me into a room and explained they wanted to do an ultrasound and were waiting on paperwork.  Um. no.  I would like the talk when they just say "you're good. head home.".  So back I went to sit and wait.  And stare at all the sparkly pink ribbons and the survivor stickers.   Hold it together mind - don't let Satan bring in fear.  He is good NO MATTER WHAT.  I just had that conversation with my mom.  A family member received some great news and someone said "God is so good" and He is.  But He is also good in the hard but somehow we don't seem to text that back to someone when the news is not what we want.  Can you imagine the text conversation?  "Hey, just found out I have MS." and the reply back is "God is so good." What? We always add to it "I am so sorry but God is good and He will be with you."  Though it is hard to remember in the hard times that He is good, He is.  No explanation needed.  He just is - maybe it is just harder to believe because we see so little.  Because at least for me my faith is to small to see that.

So I excused myself to the restroom and talked myself out of becoming physically ill.  I sat back down amongst the other women waiting - silence.  No one spoke.  They all just flipped through magazine pages.  So I sat and prayed and waited.  Snuck back to the locker area to send a few quick text messages about needing to have an ultrasound also and then quietly took my seat again.  Though the waves pass over me you will hold me up and though the river is strong you will not let my feet slip…  Oh Lord, hold me up.

And then it was my turn.  The tech was chatty which helped - made me relax.  Thank you.  She asked some questions, did what she needed to do.  And then said she would be back in a few minutes after the images had been read.  I prayed for mercy.  Oh Lord, if there is not so good news please not without Pete here.  I still have to go it alone for a bit.  I can't pretend nothing is wrong in front of the kids until he comes home.  Please Lord. Please Lord.  That was in between "don't cry, be brave. don't cry - hold it together."  She walked in and smiled.  Oh thank you Lord for her smile.  "You got the all clear.  Looks good but you may want to cut back on caffeine. Probably would help."  I sat up and said thank you.  She looked at me and said "I always like giving good news".  Thank you Lord for good news.  Thank you for friends willing to step up and help with my kiddos.  Thank you Lord for family who pray without ceasing.  Thank you Lord for a breast center that can handle all tests needed in one place without waiting days.  Thank you Lord for keeping me in the shelter of your love when my faith is not strong.  When I doubt and fear.  Thank you that you never let go.  For you are good through the calm and the storm.

Lord, we have walked this journey before and I am blessed to call you Father.  You are the one who never leaves us or lets us fall from your grasp.  You place our feet on solid ground and hold us as the winds blow and the rain falls.  You surround us with your favor.  Though I am weak, You are strong.  Though I fail, you never will.  Though I can only see the day ahead you see my eternity.  You are the almighty. Amen and Amen

For my son

Dear Lord,
He is worried.
Give him peace.
He is scared and sad and still so little.
Grow him in Godly maturity.
His emotions take over and reasoning with him is impossible.
Bring him calm.
He is strong and witty and so smart.
Keep him humble.
He is energetic and loving and good.
Keep him pure.
The enemy is fighting for him for he knows he will do great things.
Give your angels victory over him.
He wants to serve you with all that he is.
Keep him on the right path.
The waves are around him and the water threatens to pull him under.
Give him legs to stand tall.
The earth bombards him with unclean images.
Keep his eyes fixed on you.  
There are so many who speak untruths.
Bring him faithful friends to walk alongside him.
He is so hard on himself.
Let him see himself as you see him.
He questions the future.
Give him vision to see beyond today.
He can be so selfish.
Help him to remember that we are called to serve and love others first.
His voice when he sings is beautiful.
May he use it to bring you joy.
He feels at times that he is a burden.
Remind him that he is a child of the King.
At times he feels alone.
Speak loudly to his soul.
He has forgotten what a big God he follows.
Remind him of your greatness.
Amen.

A Place to Relax

I haven't written in awhile but the explanation for that will have to wait.  Today I have spent a very hot afternoon hauling pavers to our backyard.  They were dropped off at our driveway and this is the second batch of these heavy, gritty pavers.  There are a lot of them and they are heavy and it is hot.  I may have already mentioned that part about it being hot but it is.   These pavers will go towards building a patio in the backyard where we can sit as a family, have a fire, relax and enjoy our home.  I ran into a neighbor and complained that I was dying - I am sore and tired and my hands have blisters.  I walked in to grab a glass of water and turned on PBS.  They were interviewing a woman who directed a film called the The Last Days in Vietnam.  At least I am pretty sure that's the title I only caught the last 3 minutes.  It showed a plane trying to take off and people were literally hanging off the stairs into the plane.  They were desperate to get out of that country and the flight attendants were pulling them up by their arms as they hung on for life.  They were pushing people towards the plane as it went down the runway picking up speed.  They were yelling and shouting to not be left behind.  I started to think of what real desperation must feel like.  What real thirst must feel like.  What real hunger must feel like.  And I wept.  Here I was complaining about carrying pavers for a patio to relax at.  Dear heavenly Father, forgive me for forgetting how blessed I am.  For taking for granted the life I have.  Forgive me for not seeing.