"God if it is a 'no' let it be over. I can't keep loving like this and functioning. Please Lord why does my heart need to love so hard until it is a 'no'." I simply lowered my head and listened, listened so hard and then a peaceful, loving voice answered, "when it is over, I know you will still pray but until it is a 'no' you pray with a mother's heart. You pray with a strength and power that is hard to find from anyone else but a mother." So with head lifted I answered back that I would continue on but I have to admit that I hurt. I hurt with a mother's heart that also has known the pain of loss. I prayed with a power that so eagerly waited for the blessing after the hurt but knew that God's plan never really followed my wants. I vowed to continue to pray as if this little miracle was to be held someday by my arms until God said differently. I prayed for the birth mom that I knew very little about - not even where she was. I prayed for her pain as she made a decision, as she looked upon him and made a decision. Oh Lord, hold her close. Hold her close. I prayed that wherever this little miracle was that someone was holding him, loving him, praying for him. Oh how I often I prayed that...
The days kept going and the wait seemed so long this time. I pleaded with Pete - where do you think he is? She has to have made a decision by now. Do you think he is alright? Maybe he is still in the NICU? Oh Lord, let him live and thrive. Keep him safe and then Lord bless his birth mom. Bless her. With all that is in me I pray that you bless her.
Wednesday came and I was tired of waiting. I had continued to wonder why if it was a no God had not let it be done. Why did this little man need me to keep praying with a mother's heart when I was certain by this time it had to be a 'no'? I had been good at waiting why was this time so defeating and hard? I called a good friend and said should I send an email and just ask. Would this be not trusting His hand? Together we wrote an email (felt so 7th grade to need help). But I didn't want to intrude and wanted to be so respectful of the whole process. This is the email I sent:
Do you think it would be appropriate to check in with them? Sometimes I feel so new at this = ) Just to see if there is an update on where they are at in the process. We completely understand that this process takes time and want to be respectful of the agency and all the hard work and decision process and the birth family so we are totally leaning on your expertise here. We so don't want to be in the way. If you feel that it would be more appropriate to keep waiting that is fine!
Thanks for putting up with us!
Nicky
I hit send and waited and prayed. The day went by and it was quiet. The next morning went by and it was again quiet. And then the phone rang as we were driving back from the aquarium. It was our social worker. The call was brief and simple. There were complications with this little boy (the one I had fallen in love with over an email) and it was easier if Peter and I could just talk it over with them in person. Would 12:30 tomorrow work? Yes. Do you need to check with Peter to make sure it will work? No. (and I quote) "Dear Jesus, he will just make it work". By the way, that time really did not work for him and he asked if I would call them back and re-schedule it. (and I quote) "no, you need to make it work. I know you have this crazy important meeting and people are in from all over the world and I'm sorry but I don't care because in the end this is more important so please just make it work." He did.
I let a few people know that we needed prayer. That this little one needed prayer. What could be a complication that was so important that we needed to meet them in person? I cried for him and for his tiny body and prayed. My mom called and as she was walking in to church told me that I needed to go listen to Sara Grove's song "Open my Hands". So I did and I had peace. I finally after all of our waiting gave this all to God. I gave it all to His control and knew that no matter what was coming we would say 'yes'. Now that I look back it is kind of funny - the last several times during worship I had been worshipping with my hands cupped in front of me and this time as I sang this song I opened them fully and let go. There were moments of fear but ultimately I was able to stand knowing that while He doesn't promise us crazy riches and big homes and a safe ride through life He does promise His peace and love as we walk with Him. When it says "He withholds no good thing from us" it didn't mean a child without challenges or issues or hurts. It meant that the good thing was the joy that came from knowing that this blessing, whatever it may bring, was of Him. To me 'complications' meant something scary and out of my control. Little did I know that joy would come in the morning...
Sara Groves
I believe in a blessing I don't understand
I’ve seen rain fall on wicked and the just
Rain is no measure of his faithfulness
He withholds no good thing from us
No good thing from us, no good thing from us
I believe in a peace that flows deeper than pain
That broken find healing in love
Pain is no measure of his faithfulness
He withholds no good thing from us
No good thing from us, no good thing from us
I will open my hands, will open my heart
I will open my hands, will open my heart
I am nodding my head an emphatic yes
To all that You have for me
I believe in a fountain that will never dry
Though I've thirsted and didn't have enough
Thirst is no measure of his faithfulness
He withholds no good thing from us
No good thing from us, no good thing from us
I will open my hands, will open my heart
I will open my hands, will open my heart
I am nodding my head an emphatic yes
To all that You have for me
No good thing from us
No good thing from us
He withholds no good thing from us
to be continued...
