the best mom

Tonight as I was carrying Sara up to bed she hugged me tight, looked into my eyes and said "you're the best mom ever". Instantly I started to cry. I have to be honest - I don't feel like I have been the best mom to her lately. Sara's personality can be a challenge. She constantly needs to be touched and held and if she doesn't have my attention she gets naughty. I think to her any attention is better than no attention. When you have three little ones giving out constant attention can be tough. I struggle with whether or not it is an adoption thing, an attachment thing, a two year old thing. I over think it than I under think it. I pray about it and then try again. I try new approaches and re-visit old approaches. Some give advice or tell me what I could be doing better or differently. Some just say "yep, totally understand" but at the end of the day it is about Sara and me. Mom and daughter, for better or for worse, always and forever - no matter what.

Every day is new and every day I try to be her "safe place" a place where she feels ok to figure out who she is - clingy and needy, good behavior or not so lovely behavior. A place where together we can figure this journey out.

I looked back at Sara, held her tight and said "Sara, I love you and promise to always do my best. There will be times when I don't seem like the best mom but always remember that I love you and nothing will change that." So here's to tomorrow and another chance to be the best mom.

the little things..

Lessons learned so far in MN:
~don't ask a 2 year old where the park is it will just make the walk in 90% humidity a lot longer
~don't leave a bottle of sunscreen in reach of your two year old. She will cover herself with it and then scream the rest of the walk when it gets in her eyes.
~when Ella complains that she is too hot to play at the park don't just assume that she is complaining about the MN heat because when you get home you will find out that she actually has a temp. of over 102 and is miserable
~that Mary (my sis) and I can still perform amazing duets of show tunes and songs from Disney movies
~that I am not a fan of our justice system but at least I live in a country that has some sort of "system"
~that listening to my dad play his guitar at night is just as comforting as it was when I was growing up especially when he does a duet with Anders
~that I love the book "Just the Way I Am" by Krista Horning who is an amazing young woman. Her simply written book for children with disabilities is a reminder of finding the joy in whatever circumstance you are given. That even through sorrow rejoicing can be found. Reminding me again of looking at life for the journey not the "what next".

Since we have been in MN we have switched houses four times, I have been to a funeral, Mary had more heart stuff, Ella and Anders have both been sick and I miss Pete like crazy but we are also making some wonderful memories. For me it is a reminder that with my faith God is always enough and when push comes to shove we have it really good = ) and pretty easy.

Oh and the best lesson - that while mosquitoes do leave an itchy, red bump they aren't the size of large birds as Anders originally thought.

Message on the Mirror

After a much needed shower this afternoon (spent the day swimming and then went for a run) I stepped out to see that something had been written on the mirror. The moisture from the shower had uncovered a secret. In Ella's handwriting it said "I miss my dad". I am guessing she wrote it after her bath last night. Sometimes I am ok with him being gone this long (it is just part of his job) and then there are times when it is really hard - that was one of those times...

potty training 101

My mom has potty trained both Ella and Anders. She comes to visit for a week and focuses in and gets the job done. Ella was amazingly easy and Anders (once he was ready) was a champ. Now here comes kiddo number 3. Her personality is generally a bit stubborn (or determined as the nice teachers at Challenger use) and she has been a challenge. She will go for a couple of days with no accidents and then wake up one morning and with her cute little accent announce "today I am not going to use the potty, just diapers, then tomorrow I will use the potty and get panties and M&Ms." And she does just that - nothing will change her mind. Now enter my mom. She is always ready for a challenge and seems to be succeeding with Sara. She is ever positive and has started using snack size Milky Way bars. She has upped it from M&Ms to Milky Way bars.

My management and parenting style has always been to step aside when you know there is someone else who can do the job better than you can - that we all have strengths and weaknesses and a good leader is someone who is able to quickly learn those things about others and then step aside and let them go for it. Don't get me wrong I am very involved with the helping on and off of the potty, washing hands, etc but the main kudos has to go to my mom. The match has been set - I'm just thankful to coach this one from the sidelines.

Hard to have your dad gone

We were singing Happy Birthday to Pete over the phone the other day and Anders comes running in. He heard Ella yell "Happy Birthday Daddy". He had been playing with his cars out on the deck and he came in looking around the room. I'm pretty sure he thought Pete had come back, you could tell by the look on his face when he realized she was talking to the phone. I asked him if he wanted to wish dad a Happy Birthday and he dropped his head and said "no thanks" and went back out to play.

The great part about being a kid is that 2 seconds later he managed to hit his sister with a ball soaked in water and all was right again.