Triggers

The word "trigger" is something I am very familiar with - when working with troubled boys we were always on the look out for "triggers".  Those sounds, words, smells, things that brought them back to a place of fear or hurt or loss.  They are things that cannot be avoided but when you see them coming you can take the time to slow down and prepare.  It is like knowing that road construction is coming. You usually have to go through it but when you see the LARGE orange signs telling you it is coming you can slow down and maybe even find a slight detour to avoid the really messy parts.  So I guess I thought I was somewhat good on managing triggers.... 

Well, I need to be honest - I am not when it comes to my family. In fact I feel as though I failed miserably.  This fall brought the one year anniversary of losing C & J, a birthday for a certain beautiful daughter, the anniversary of her joining our family, starting preschool... These all hit within about a 5 week time span.  We hit a wall in our adoption journey at 90 miles an hour.  We hit hard and are still recovering from the wreckage.  Oh Lord, heal her hurt.  Give us wisdom - give me eyes to see what is ahead before we are smack in the mess.  Help me take her words of hurt and anger and love her through them...

Lord, I am so thankful for the friends who get this.  Who are also walking it and can just sit in the midst and listen.  Those who offer a hug and not judgement.  Who don't see her differently when I speak of the anger and hurt she is passing out.  Who pray for all of us as we seek out a route of healing.  Who offer hope when I find that I feel hopeless.  Who daily lift up this beautiful daughter whose memories are real and big and rich.  Who has wisdom beyond what her little body can handle.  Who remind me to keep my mind on the eternal and not get discouraged by the set backs.  Who understand that in the end it is only her Father above that can fill that loss.  Who understand that reading books and therapy and diet changes are key to success but in the end He is her ALL in ALL.  He is her strength when she is weak, her peace that flows deeper than the pain.  

In the book Glorious Ruin it states that:

"We may never fully understand why God allows the suffering that devastates our lives.  We may not ever find the right answers to how we'll dig ourselves out.  There may not be any silver lining, especially not in the ways we would like.  But we don't need answers as much as we need God's presence in and through the suffering itself.  For the life of the believer, one thing is beautifully and abundantly true: God's chief concern in your suffering is to be with you and be Himself for you.  

In other words, our ruin might not ultimately spell our undoing.  It may in fact spell the beginning of our faith.  And in the end, that is enough.  Gloriously so."

She may never find the silver lining that will make her loss of her first family make sense but I pray she will find faith. I pray that when she can't seem to trust my words of unconditional love she will hang on tight to His.  

Romans 8:37-39  No, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us. For I am sure that neither death nor life, nor angels nor rulers, nor things present nor things to come, nor powers, nor height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God in Christ Jesus our Lord.

When we question ability

I think my perfectionistic personality can make me a bit difficult to live with sometimes.  I tend to expect the best from myself and in turn expect it from those around me. Fair? Um, I'm going to say 'no'.  I realize that as a wife I often question my husband's ability to do things.  I think what I am actually questioning is his ability to do things "my way" which is without doubt the best and most efficient way things should be done.  Oh I am humbled as I write that. How much we miss when we do not trust others' ability to perform and make the right choices.  How will we grow? How will we change? How will we be able to see things as others see things if we only trust ourselves?  Where is our faith?

I remember when Pete and his younger brother Josiah decided to climb "The Grand".  The Tetons are amazing and the Grand, well, she is a site to behold.  Afternoon storms ride in fast and she is a magnet for lightning strikes.  They were going out on their own - both are climbers and had a pretty ambitious route planned out.  They made it so close - the summit right out in front of them- but as Pete looked at their water levels he knew they would make it up but coming down would be tough.  They would most likely run out of water and if encountered any sort of problem or had to hunker down to weather there was a good chance they wouldn't make it back.  So he made a tough decision to call it quits - with just one climb left he called his brother back and they came down.  I could tell he was crushed and even more so for the disappointment in his brother.  But I have never been so proud.  He made a life and death call.  He set aside his pride and ego for a risk not worth taking.

How dare I question his ability to know what's best. I know that when he looks up at that mountain he still sees defeat but behind him stands a wife who sees courage and strength.

Proverbs 31:10-31

New International Version (NIV)

Epilogue: The Wife of Noble Character

^10 [a]A wife of noble character who can find? 
    She is worth far more than rubies.
¹¹ Her husband has full confidence in her
    and lacks nothing of value. 
¹² She brings him good, not harm,
    all the days of her life.

When the sad comes pouring out

I know I need to finish my last post but that will come in time.  First I just need to write.  The other night Sara was sad. Real sad.  A different sad.  She wanted to spend the night in C's bed.  I told her that it really wasn't his anymore now that he was gone and that she had a bed... Then I asked again why she so badly wanted to sleep in that bed and then the tears came and in between the sobs she said "because I just miss him so much".  My tears came and I held her and told her how much I missed them too.  She cried and grieved like I have never seen her grieve before.  I took her downstairs and rocked her gently and sang to her as she sobbed.  We had so many people say "oh when you get the one who is meant to be the forever in your family you will understand why the other situations didn't work out".  No, you won't.  You will be grateful and over the moon glad and thankful for the blessing you have been given and you will love them like no other but you will still miss the ones that didn't stay forever.  I don't need to understand the whys but I will always miss and love the ones who just briefly passed through our hearts and our home.  Sara has found some comfort in watching the videos we have and hearing little C's voice.  She talks through memories that I have already forgotten and she smiles and laughs and then a tear will fall.  Silently I pray for God to hold her heart and to hold theirs.  She said the other day "mom, it is just so hard missing people."  Oh my heart hurt - she knows loss and as she gets older she will see more are missing from her life may God give us the words and the hugs to help as we walk through her journey.  May those missing spots be held by a Father who loves her more than anyone here on this earth can.

When the wait is over...

We had heard of him but it had been two weeks and those two weeks had been silent.  We had an email that I must have read a thousand times looking for something more, something written between the lines, something I had missed the other 999 times.  We have received other emails, other calls about situations but for some reason this one had grabbed my heart and held on so tightly to breathe meant to think of him, wonder where he was.  Maybe it was because he was tiny, maybe it was because I knew already he was beautiful and perfect and strong - at least in my mind he was.  He had to be to survive.  After about a week I figured it was over and he had been placed or maybe birth mom had found a way to parent or...but I kept praying.  In fact at church I had a discussion with God about him.  It went something like this:
"God if it is a 'no' let it be over.  I can't keep loving like this and functioning.  Please Lord why does my heart need to love so hard until it is a 'no'." I simply lowered my head and listened, listened so hard and then a peaceful, loving voice answered,  "when it is over, I know you will still pray but until it is a 'no' you pray with a mother's heart. You pray with a strength and power that is hard to find from anyone else but a mother." So with head lifted I answered back that I would continue on but I have to admit that I hurt.  I hurt with a mother's heart that also has known the pain of loss.  I prayed with a power that so eagerly waited for the blessing after the hurt but knew that God's plan never really followed my wants.  I vowed to continue to pray as if this little miracle was to be held someday by my arms until God said differently.  I prayed for the birth mom that I knew very little about - not even where she was.  I prayed for her pain as she made a decision, as she looked upon him and made a decision.  Oh Lord, hold her close. Hold her close.  I prayed that wherever this little miracle was that someone was holding him, loving him, praying for him.  Oh how I often I prayed that...


The days kept going and the wait seemed so long this time.  I pleaded with Pete - where do you think he is?  She has to have made a decision by now.  Do you think he is alright? Maybe he is still in the NICU?  Oh Lord, let him live and thrive.  Keep him safe and then Lord bless his birth mom.  Bless her.  With all that is in me I pray that you bless her.


Wednesday came and I was tired of waiting.  I had continued to wonder why if it was a no God had not let it be done.  Why did this little man need me to keep praying with a mother's heart when I was certain by this time it had to be a 'no'?  I had been good at waiting why was this time so defeating and hard?  I called a good friend and said should I send an email and just ask.  Would this be not trusting His hand?  Together we wrote an email (felt so 7th grade to need help).  But I didn't want to intrude and wanted to be so respectful of the whole process.  This is the email I sent:

Do you think it would be appropriate to check in with them?  Sometimes I feel so new at this = ) Just to see if there is an update on where they are at in the process. We completely understand that this process takes time and want to be respectful of the agency and all the hard work and decision process and the birth family so we are totally leaning on your expertise here.  We so don't want to be in the way.  If you feel that it would be more appropriate to keep waiting that is fine!   

Thanks for putting up with us!

Nicky

I hit send and waited and prayed.  The day went by and it was quiet.  The next morning went by and it was again quiet.  And then the phone rang as we were driving back from the aquarium.  It was our social worker.  The call was brief and simple.  There were complications with this little boy  (the one I had fallen in love with over an email) and it was easier if Peter and I could just talk it over with them in person.  Would 12:30 tomorrow work? Yes.  Do you need to check with Peter to make sure it will work? No.  (and I quote) "Dear Jesus, he will just make it work".  By the way, that time really did not work for him and he asked if I would call them back and re-schedule it. (and I quote) "no, you need to make it work.  I know you have this crazy important meeting and people are in from all over the world and I'm sorry but I don't care because in the end this is more important so please just make it work."  He did.

I let a few people know that we needed prayer.  That this little one needed prayer.  What could be a complication that was so important that we needed to meet them in person?  I cried for him and for his tiny body and prayed.  My mom called and as she was walking in to church told me that I needed to go listen to Sara Grove's song "Open my Hands".  So I did and I had peace.  I finally after all of our waiting gave this all to God.  I gave it all to His control and knew that no matter what was coming we would say 'yes'.  Now that I look back it is kind of funny - the last several times during worship I had been worshipping with my hands cupped in front of me and  this time as I sang this song I opened them fully and let go.  There were moments of fear but ultimately I was able to stand knowing that while He doesn't promise us crazy riches and big homes and a safe ride through life He does promise His peace and love as we walk with Him.  When it says "He withholds no good thing from us" it didn't mean a child without challenges or issues or hurts.  It meant that the good thing was the joy that came from knowing that this blessing, whatever it may bring, was of Him.  To me 'complications' meant something scary and out of my control.  Little did I know that joy would come in the morning...

Lyrics from Open My Hands
Sara Groves
I believe in a blessing I don't understand
I’ve seen rain fall on wicked and the just
Rain is no measure of his faithfulness
He withholds no good thing from us
No good thing from us, no good thing from us

I believe in a peace that flows deeper than pain
That broken find healing in love
Pain is no measure of his faithfulness
He withholds no good thing from us
No good thing from us, no good thing from us

I will open my hands, will open my heart
I will open my hands, will open my heart
I am nodding my head an emphatic yes
To all that You have for me

I believe in a fountain that will never dry
Though I've thirsted and didn't have enough
Thirst is no measure of his faithfulness
He withholds no good thing from us
No good thing from us, no good thing from us

I will open my hands, will open my heart
I will open my hands, will open my heart
I am nodding my head an emphatic yes
To all that You have for me

No good thing from us
No good thing from us
He withholds no good thing from us


to be continued...

Would you follow?

This morning I came across Matthew 4:19-20 19And He said to them, “Follow Me, and I will make you fishers of men.” 20At once they left their nets and followed Him.

The words "at once" seemed to jump out at me. Would I be an"at once" follower? Humbly I admit I would not be. I would be a "well, let me just think about it for a second?" I am guessing my thoughts would go a bit like this "So what I hear you saying is that this may cost me my life, I am going to probably lose my family, be ridiculed, asked to put all my faith and belief in a guy who says He is going to die and then be raised again?" To my friends who are not believers I am guessing this doesn't make a lot of sense. To follow this man you have got to be a bit crazy (at least by this world's standards). But see while I may not have jumped out of my boat "at once" as these men did I believe I would have run as fast as my flipper like feet could take me to Him. Once my type A, over analyzing brain got done I would have run and in a way I guess I have. When I count all else as loss that is when I live.

I just finished reading our friend Sarah Wauterlek's book "Young Widow: A Memoir". She writes of her first year after losing her husband Mark in a plane crash -she writes of her intense pain, the depths of her sorrow, questioning her faith and wanting to die to be with him. Mark was the best man in our wedding, he was Pete's bunk bed roommate in college and after college, when Pete was lost or sad or needed a partner in adventure Mark was his 'go to' guy. They had similar personalities, similar likes and dislikes, they were two peas in a pod. I have watched Pete struggle to find his footing, his place in this world without Mark. I know he has suffered so much and I don't know how to help. I know he has lost a piece of him that will not return until he is in heaven. His loss will never compare to Sarah's but I know there is also a piece of Pete that longs to join Mark in heaven and I LOVE that there is no doubt in my mind that someday he will. When I saw that I had a text from Pete yesterday that read "Didn't want you to worry in case you have heard of the explosions at Micron. I am alright as is everyone in our office. Scrambling to try and remotely shut down the machines." I had peace - a bit of reality slapped me in the face but there was a weird peace. I know that to lose him would take me to a depth that I cannot imagine but I know and believe with everything in me that God is holding him. I know that the day will come when Pete will run into the arms of Jesus and then I know he will look for Mark. And I know I will see Pete again. I have put my faith in Jesus, who died and rose again for my sins.

I wish I could put my faith into words that make sense that would cause all to believe but I can't. I just am not that good at writing. I just know that when all else is sinking I can reach out and grab His hand and He holds me up. He walks by my side. When all others may fail me He never has and never will. Why not seek Him out, why not question and see what happens - what else do you have to lose?

When the earth all around me is sinking sand

On Christ, the solid rock I stand.

If you are questioning check out Lee Strobel's book The Case For Christ or come grab a cup of coffee, take a seat and let's chat.

Learning the Lessons that I Can't Teach

Monday morning Ella was getting her tennis shoes on and she looked up
at me and said "Mom, sometimes it is hard to keep praying when you
have been waiting so long." So we talked about our faith and how we
believe God knows the best for our family - He sees the beginning and
the end and we can only see today and how super cool that is... She
got quiet for a moment and said "It must be such a hard choice for a
birth mommy to pick a family that she has never even met. You know
like Moses' birth mom and having to put him in a basket. That must
have been so hard. We need to pray even harder for the birth moms."

Anders had been listening and he asked Ella to remind him again of the
story of Moses so as we drove to the bus stop Ella told the story of
Moses from the perspective of a birth mom and it was real and eloquent
and beautiful and hard. Honestly, I have never thought of that story
from a birth mom's perspective. I had never pictured her as a birth
mom. These are the moments that I couldn't teach if we hadn't been in
this journey. There is a song where the words say "there is always a
purpose in the wait." We are living that and it is good. Not always
easy but it is good.

As Ella stepped out of the van she looked up at me and smiled and said
"I know we are learning a lot and that God has a plan but mom I am
ready for that baby to come." I just smiled and said "me too."

I am again reminded of our family verse which is I Peter 5: 6-7
Humble yourselves, therefore, under God's MIGHTY hand, that He may
lift you up in due time. Cast all your anxiety on Him because He cares
for you.

It is one thing to walk a journey for you but another when you choose one where you have to walk as a family. I remember talking with a friend who was struggling in a time of waiting. I felt God give me a picture of maybe this waiting is not just about what I need to learn about waiting but also teaching my children what it means to wait in Christ. I don't know what their futures hold but I know they will have times of waiting and those times may be filled with hurt and pain. To teach them to find thankfulness. Not thankful necessarily "for" the reason they are waiting but to find thankfulness in the wait. To teach them to cry out to Christ in joy and pain, in sorrow and blessing - to reach for His hand in the darkness, to hold on tight to a Father that will never leave them or forsake them.

To me that is what being a mom is - to walk the walk and allow them to question and search and find their faith. I pray that path will lead them to a relationship that is beautiful and mighty. A path that doesn't lose the faith of a child, the faith that still sees miracles. The faith that doesn't match things to coincidences but to divine appointments. The faith that isn't wearied by the hardships of life but encouraged to look to an eternity of beauty. Oh Lord, may they be strong in You.

This Is a Soul

The estimate came in for Ella's tonsillectomy tomorrow and to say that I was taken back a bit is an understatement! Even with insurance the cost is pretty steep. UGH!

Ella has had strep four times in the last three months and her tonsils fill the back of her throat - she sounds like she is talking underwater. Her last round of antibiotics cost around $160 and they refer to it as liquid gasoline - still didn't solve the problem. They need to come out. I called Pete to let him know the cost and then waited in line to pick up Anders from kindergarten.

I have been reading This Is a Soul by Marilyn Berger. It is the story of Dr. Rick Hodes (who someday I would love to meet). He works in Mother Teresa's clinic in Addis Ababa, Ethiopia and has for around 30 years.

This is what I read:

(from p. 64) "The boy's heart was more than twice the normal size, and he was clearly in severe heart failure, probably Rick assumed, the result of rheumatic fever. The boy was suffering from a combination of ailments rarely seen any longer in the United States. At one time entire wards in America were filled with cases of rheumatic fever, a consequence of strep throat. These days, in the developed world, strep is cured in a day with antibiotics. In the third world, it is aggressive and often left untreated, causing complications that can lead to early death."

Never mind - I think I have quickly found my thankful heart. Oh and by the way - highly recommend the book.

To live with regret

I’ve always heard “live with no regrets” but I think sometimes if we don’t have regrets we don’t have the motivation to change. I think of these young girls climbing with loads most American men couldn’t carry. We drove by them rather quickly and I faintly heard them yelling something. It wasn’t until we had gone several more miles before I realized they had been yelling for water. I had water; it was in a huge container rolling under my feet in the van. I was the only female in the van and it surprised me how much that affected my ability to find my voice. I was in a different country where as a woman my voice was not equal. Oh how I regret not finding my voice. The voice that wanted to scream, “Turn around! Please - they need water! I have more than my share. Please turn around.”

Whenever I start running in the foothills near where I live or even the simple act of heading to the sink to refill my water bottle I remember them and I remember my voice. I will live my life to be heard and for God’s glory. Because of those women and their simple cry I am changed. Yes, I live with regret and I am thankful.

Following in her father's footsteps

I love that she is following her father's footsteps. I love that I am married to a man who does not let fear hold him back. That he snowboards out of helicopters, climbs mountains, long boards, rock climbs, surfs - there is nothing that he can't do because he believes that there REALLY is nothing that he can't do. Not so much me - always been a friend of fear. Don't love it and am doing my best to not pass it on to our kiddos. We balance each other well - he pushes the limit and I gently remind him to put the guard down on the chair lift. I am blessed, oh how I am blessed.