Yesterday I sat in the lobby of the Breast Cancer Center, surrounded by women much older than I was. I had found a lump and my primary doctor saw me right away and the Breast Cancer Center got me in at 8:30 the next morning for a mammogram. So I sat there waiting - the previous night filled with fear and worry. Doing my best to trust and to give Him my fear but I was alone. Pete was halfway across the world and my mom had left that morning. Why Lord? Why not when she was here so I wouldn't be alone. Why not when she could help watch the kids instead of me desperately texting neighbors and friends to pass them off… but He knew this and so I had to trust. I heard them ask a woman to step into this room and as I listened they told her all looked good she was free to go home. When I had first sat down I saw a woman about my age leaving wiping tears from her face. Oh Lord, bless her. She was this beautiful woman, walking out alone gently wiping the tears, head down. Oh Lord, may she pass through this safely. I sat there longer - having left my watch in the locker I wondered how much time had passed. A new woman had come in. She mentioned to the tech that she also was supposed to have an ultrasound "Oh don't worry about that - they only do that when they find something."
Two minutes later they called me into a room and explained they wanted to do an ultrasound and were waiting on paperwork. Um. no. I would like the talk when they just say "you're good. head home.". So back I went to sit and wait. And stare at all the sparkly pink ribbons and the survivor stickers. Hold it together mind - don't let Satan bring in fear. He is good NO MATTER WHAT. I just had that conversation with my mom. A family member received some great news and someone said "God is so good" and He is. But He is also good in the hard but somehow we don't seem to text that back to someone when the news is not what we want. Can you imagine the text conversation? "Hey, just found out I have MS." and the reply back is "God is so good." What? We always add to it "I am so sorry but God is good and He will be with you." Though it is hard to remember in the hard times that He is good, He is. No explanation needed. He just is - maybe it is just harder to believe because we see so little. Because at least for me my faith is to small to see that.
So I excused myself to the restroom and talked myself out of becoming physically ill. I sat back down amongst the other women waiting - silence. No one spoke. They all just flipped through magazine pages. So I sat and prayed and waited. Snuck back to the locker area to send a few quick text messages about needing to have an ultrasound also and then quietly took my seat again. Though the waves pass over me you will hold me up and though the river is strong you will not let my feet slip… Oh Lord, hold me up.
And then it was my turn. The tech was chatty which helped - made me relax. Thank you. She asked some questions, did what she needed to do. And then said she would be back in a few minutes after the images had been read. I prayed for mercy. Oh Lord, if there is not so good news please not without Pete here. I still have to go it alone for a bit. I can't pretend nothing is wrong in front of the kids until he comes home. Please Lord. Please Lord. That was in between "don't cry, be brave. don't cry - hold it together." She walked in and smiled. Oh thank you Lord for her smile. "You got the all clear. Looks good but you may want to cut back on caffeine. Probably would help." I sat up and said thank you. She looked at me and said "I always like giving good news". Thank you Lord for good news. Thank you for friends willing to step up and help with my kiddos. Thank you Lord for family who pray without ceasing. Thank you Lord for a breast center that can handle all tests needed in one place without waiting days. Thank you Lord for keeping me in the shelter of your love when my faith is not strong. When I doubt and fear. Thank you that you never let go. For you are good through the calm and the storm.
Lord, we have walked this journey before and I am blessed to call you Father. You are the one who never leaves us or lets us fall from your grasp. You place our feet on solid ground and hold us as the winds blow and the rain falls. You surround us with your favor. Though I am weak, You are strong. Though I fail, you never will. Though I can only see the day ahead you see my eternity. You are the almighty. Amen and Amen
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